A new version of myself lately

 Hey so, 

I kinda felt sorry for myself since I dont have the courage to try all the things I really wanted to do.

And now, im just starting. At the age of 16. 

Ehhhh dont get me wrong!! I'm starting my nerd phase where I'll research and read a lot of articles based on themes like 'Psychology' or maybe 'Introduction to Philosophy'.

Also, I'm beginning to start my own daily life story named "Crabstick Sandwich"-- I think I'll upload that to Wattpad. It's just a short miniseries with anthropomorphic characters (made of materials like steel,metal,etc)

Recently I moved to a new block in my school-- it's a really old place , and its made out of wood. I sat in the front, having no partner by my side-- It's just feel amazing y'know. And i got to see the glorious view of Bukit Mertajam XD. 

It's kinda cozy. I'm just starting to enjoy my Form 4 life-- by august. I'm beginning to love studying there now. ^^

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I begin to realize slowly that I'm not those ordinary malay girls out there, generally speaking. Not much of the people i meet everyday has same interests as me,sadly. (lol having no friends be like) I'm not here to flex or whatever-- im just appreciating myself. Since i dont have mutual connections on real life nor the Internet, I'm trying to cope with my loneliness by triggering that curiosity deep in my mind by researching topics that I shouldn't research lol(SOMETIMES) -- okay okay for example murder crimes, sexual exploitation, inside the mind of a murderer,etc and for the safe for work is like how games are developed, etc LOLOLOL

Honestly, it took me pretty much 4 years to realize that i don;t have any human being to even talk about my personal interests. Sure, primary school friends was fun but it ended up being jerks in high school.

My feelings? Im really bluffed out everytime I thought of that. But its okay. Im okay. I will get through this phase all by myself, insyaallah. 

..

Having a personal OS in telegram makes me even more happier now that I could freely dump links and write my thoughts with no capitalists chasingme to buy their "premium" version or whatsoever. 

I'm kinda hurt by my past memories that even my close people hurt my feelings... now i need to vent that somewhere./

LETS GO 2026!!!

 Hey hey !! It's been a month since I update here. It feels so good coming back. Now, i know i said that a thousand times already but it just feels that way. :)

IM CURRENTLY HAVING MY TIME OF MY LIFE NOW!! Listening to Parade by Susumu Hirasawa FEELS LIKE IM TRANSCENDING TO THE SKY AFTER researching platforms that I could info dump my " tak boleh duduk diam " brain. I had a chat with Gemini AI and it suggested me that I should use Logseq and Joplin after I said Obsidian and Notion are capitalists HAHAHA! NOW I CONQUER MY PHILOSOPHICAL + RESEARCH PHASE WHICH I HAVE BEEN PROCRASTINATING ALL THIS TIME AHAH! ITS JUST FEELS LIKE IM STANDING ON TOP OF A HIGH RISE BUILDING WHILE LAUGHING AT THE SOCIETY ROTTING AND KNOWING I CANT CHANGE ANYTHING AHAHAHAH (/j this is a reference to Paranoia Agent). 

I've spent my time well doing all of that, I finally got some good softwares and learnt a new brain dump management! And also, I learnt a new skill - mental arithmetic AT MY LOCAL OLD TOWN RESTAURANT! I WAS FEELING SOOO EXCITED LEARNING IT AND I HAD FUN WATCHING THE YOUTUBE VIDEO!!

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I wanted to study Chemistry and Physics after school , plus I was really motivated to do stuff since I ate a good meal and I felt that momentum oredi after beginning to learn mental arithmetic.

Lol, turns out i did some update on myself and i was really proud. I did begin my japanese bite-sized lessons, learned some logarithms on Brilliant app, and that night I slept at 2 am after I found some interesting videos I might research on... especially the psychology & today's modern industry of p**n. 

I wanted to reflect myself cuz I really have this "urge" to learn new things, but all over the years I neglected it by having the same reason-- "no time" or "no app to dump all of my findings" 

Well, just yesterday i solved all of my problems ive been avoiding all this time, and I'm just beggining a whole new chapter of my life -- and maybe a better version of me too.

holiday is starting and im kinda afraid I won't be spending my time well, cuz I have a lot of homeworks to do and my exam's coming close, and not long I will end Form 4 in just a month. Wish me luck.