ON MY AOT PHASE!

 OOOOOOOOOOOOOKAY THIS IS FR CRAZY!

I STARTED WATCHING AOT BECAUSE WHEN I WAS READING NIRNAMA, I NEED SOME EPIC MUSIC TO READ! SO LIKE i searched up AOT soundtrack and BOIII it was DAMN COOL!

KAKKOI DAYO!

i even drew eren in my whiteboard lolz XD

:D ! i drew eren with edward too HAHA

then there's armin too!

my HONEST reaction when i watch AOT fr haha.

So far, my favourite characters are Sasha and Hanges! and connie too. and eren ofc! mikasa? ehh... she's a good gf material (wife) for eren lol. 

i like sasha because she LOVES potato AND foooooood! Hanges is really a MAD  scientist and CRAZY! I LIKE HERR AND SHE LIKES TITANS XD i remember she blushes when eren is in his titan form XD

Weekly Report

 Heyo!

I've been busy for the past few weeks now since school started. Gyahhhh I left my mouse in my school lab. I've been catching up with some topics for several subjects now, especially Chemistry. 

Sadly, I didn't won for my Islamic Essay competition. I wrote about an otaku and his bad obsessions. But to me, I think it'd be good for people, including me, who likes Japanese media & pop culture. I really think it's the best.

PBKL WAS THE BEST!!!

 OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY this is for real crazy! 

COMING BACK TO KL!!! + HOLIDAY BREAK!!!

 YOYOYOYOYO WHATSAPPPPP

Today , and right now I'm currently typing this blog in the car with my laptop on since I have a physics class to attend.

A week has passed and this is the last week that I'm going to spend my time dilly dallying.

Last week , I've been studying and using the app YPT, it's so fun!!

I've been having a lot of thoughts this break. Cumanya , takdak masa nak tulis , entah mengapa. Sebab banyak benda nak buat cuti ni.

I also started to read Nirnama. Ya allah memang hati ni nak nekad insaf setiap kali baca si nirnama tu. 

Futhermore , I've been experiencing some deja vu about my past self... 

You see , I'm currently handling a lot of projects.. one of the main project that I'm focusing this year is the AI thing just like last year.

So last week , after I've bought a component called ESP32 to help with my project, it got broke off as soon as I was experimenting with it. Yep , just liek that.

I keep calmed since I have a feeling that this was coming sooner. But , my room just gets messier as the wires are scattered on the floor.....

So , at the same time , my telegram keeps popping on nofitications about PBKL ( KL bookfest ) and the situation gets more lonelier when I dont have many friends to talk with... its so sad :(

Plus , reading that nirnama book gets more sick when I remembered that I just cant share those excited thoughts with anyone , since an old classmate I am bad with her also shares the same love for that book , and she shares it with others , but when i do share it with the classmates around me , they just... dont care :( 

it just hurts man... 

But dont worry , currently I've arrived at KL now and I'm so excited to go to PBKL! :D I'm here to discover a lot new memories , plus sharing my KL stories too... :D I'll promise , I will never be that old person again. This time , I'm a new person,kay...

Surrealism

 Today is the day i finally watched Severance. I watched it because I liked the vibe of that show , and I noticed that it has the elements of surrealism. Something like , a surrealist-horror show.

After watching episode 1 , I started to came up with many questions as I had already multiple theories on my mind of the visuals of the show. Not to mention about the context that is targeted to confuse the audience , but I'm not one of them-- I process the information in that show and try to analyze & come up with my own context/theory.

Usually , after watching an episode of a show/series I'm interested , I start to think various aspect of the show, mainly the concept and the plot-- what it's trying to conceive to the audience. This , pattern you see, has been going on since I'm 13.

As i begin to express my love for Severance, I asked my AI companion , of course-- Chatgpt , about the context and all. And I also asked shows that are similair to this one.

Turns out , there's nothing compared to Severance , sadly. I searched it up for a while but nothing attracts me as same as it. Plus , i need to be more careful since most of Surrealist-horror shows are NSFW.

One thing I start to notice about myself was , my head was full of thoughts, visuals of "surrealism",... I start to think and imagine about the vibe and context of the show , but I created in my own way , something like that.

"Who... are you'"

chuckels

"I'm you , silly", smiles

Yeah , that's the type of ahh I've been creating in my head after watching Severance.

I'm also knowing a bit of myself that , after discovering the term and genre of "surrealism" , it fits my style of thinking---

Overthinking.

I have this habit of zoning off for a while , sometimes it can be an hour or more, where after I hyperactively do on something or after doing my work, I started to look at something , and let all my thoughts I've been keeping roam free in my head and there it is , I start to think

Describing it feels way more harder than I thought it was... like i intended to write about it , but when i start to rite , it just goes.. away, as if the thoughts didnt exist in my mind.

From what i experienced earlier is , I keep creating scenarios of surrealism places that brings an unsettling feeling to myself.

Arghhh i dunnow how to explain , its like : i think , and I'm scared of my own thoughts.

scenarios where it's quiet... and suddenly after zoning off you noticed something odd in the distance; that's what ive been thinking.

Also , liminal and surrealist places will be getting me into more overthinking than usual. This is because while others think an empty space is more minimal and clears off the mind , im the opposite. It boosts my "thinking" of something--- it could sometimes goes off to random or a out of this reality thoughts , which people think I'm a lunatic person... 

DAH HABIS MID YEAR EXAMMMM

 aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

salam gais.
Aku dah habis mid year form 4 exam aku. allah , penat gila... hari ni , aku buat amali. entahlah tapi memang aku rasa bodo la buat amali tu sebab aku tak reti nak buat eksperimen :( aku main hentam ja.

penat gila f4 gais... tak sangka sepenat camni... tambah-tambah lagi dengan keadaan aku yg tak stabil masa tu , tengok" dah exam dah.. like allah :(((

tapi memang banyak pengajaran aku dapat ambil setakat 5 bulan belajar ni. nasib sebelum SPM.

Cuti 2 minggu nak datang ujung bulan ni. AAAAAAA nak relaks kat rumah , baca buku dan tulis jaaa. yg tu je aku nak.

Overall , aku perasan tau satu pattern , yg sebelum ni aku sendiri pun tak pernah buat.

Pattern tu ialah... like bila-bila balik rumah , kan malam , jadi aku selalu buka video Dreamfibre and pasang lagu ambience dia untuk tenangkan minda LOL. Serious cakap , yg ni memang buat minda aku tenang. Sambil dengar tu aku bacalah buku...

Adui , bila buka computer ni , takde idea pula nak tulis. meluat aku. 

Sesuatu Pngajarn Part 3

 rasa unsettling , tak kena , etc

tapi

I just realized

yg tu semua buat penat minda je

sbb buat apa nak fikir kalau dah minta maaf semua , dah damai , etc

"you're just overthinking it"

orang lain dah berubah , hg yang dok menyusahkan diri sendiri

Termasuklah , mengambil kisah pasal kehidupan org lain

also , aku memang terkesan dgn kata" cikgu addmaths aku yg pesan kpd semua; Hablumminallah , wahablumminannas Berbuat baik kepada allah , dan berbuat baik kepada manusia

selama ni , aku langsung tak terfikir pasal ni

now, cerita aku ni, aku tak niat untuk sebarang pengaiban orang, nak memalukan orang , or whatsoever. Aku just nak cerita apa yang aku lalui & nilai serta pengajaran yang aku boleh share dekat korang

Sampai sekarang , im still trying to learn how to overcome the horrors of overthinking and looping those bad memories , that critically need to be removed from a student's life.

its important dayo

Jadi , apa yang aku nak simpulkan kat sini ialah: - jangan SESEKALI cuba untuk jadi emo , especially bila kau sedang menuntut ilmu. Bila emosi & mental kau yg kau jejaskan sendiri , memang pelajaran pun terkesan. So please , aku nak pesan supaya jangan mudah terpengaruh dekat Internet, macam those pinterest & whisper statements, "I rather be alone than socializing" ha yg tu antara media yang boleh influence minda kita untuk menjadi seseorang yang dipandang/dianggap terasing drpd org lain , tapi sebernannya tak. Kita sendiri je yg boleh berubah pandangan hidup kita.

- jgn overthinking , jgn sesekali menganggap kita ni seorang yang terasing dprd org yg lain, all those negative statements and thoughts you BUILD on your own. Malah , kita semua ni hamba Allah SWT yang sama. Kita semua manusia. Kita semua buat kesalahan. Apa yang terasingnya? Pada proses nak belajar ni sehinggalah menara gading , aku nak berpesan dekat aku dan para pembaca sekalian supaya fokus je dekat pembelajaran, bukan gaya/personaliti kita terhadap orang lain. Cuba tengok niat kita balik , apa tujuan kita ke sekolah setiap 5 hari seminggu? Adakah kita nak menuntut ilmu , atau sekadar pi balik sahaja?

Oh dan lagi satu. Masuk" je ke alam sekolah , mana" alam yang tempatnya untuk belajar ilmu , fikir positif sahaja. Sebab ilmu ni , takkan datang kalau kau yang asyik fikir negatif pasal orang di sekeliling kau, guru kau dan sebagainya. Serious cakap , sebab bila kita dah ada impression negatif tu , dia susah nak hilang, sebab semua tu andaian kita sendiri , malah kita belum lagi saksikan perkara yang sebenar. So aku nak ajakkan semua untuk berfikir postif, jom. Takmau dah ada negative thoughts , semua sangkaan buruk , dan lain" lagi lah yang menggangu ketenteraman hati dan minda kau sendiri. Kau sendiri yang tahu diri kau mcm mana.

Aku bukanlah seorang yang kuat atau alim agamnya , cumanya aku memang tahu ada hikmah di sebalik ujian yang aku lalui ini.

Proses nak menghilangkan sesuatu tu agak susah , tetapi sabar. Aku mesti sabar sebab bila aku yakin , output dia akan suatu hari nanti berjaya dihasilkan. It just needs usaha and tawakal, lillahita'ala

Sayang , aku tak berapa cekap untuk memasukkan sebarang hadis yang sesuai untuk situasi sekarang.

So korang , kalau ada ape" komen , jemputlah contact owner channel ni yg korg jumpa dekat bio. Aku memang open dekag sesiapa yg ingin komen, cumanya kena mesej secara personal.

Sesuatu Pengajaran [ PART 2 ]

 aku menangis teresak-esak lepas aku jatuh sakit; tak pi sekolah selama seminggu

sbb dok fikir pasal sekolah lepas aku dah kembali sihat ni

"alaaaa takutlah pi sekolah , biar dok rumah lebih selesa, dan sebagainya"

that emo-otaku vibes are sure heavy.

Stress , depressed-- you name it

aku akan tulis semua benda negatif dekat notepad aku macam "org lain lebih baik drpd aku" "aku lebih rela dipanggil celaka/nama" buruk"

sampai tahap mcm tu

dont ask me why sbb aku sendiri pun mentally disturbed(?) at that time sbb bila masuk" ja kelas tu , aku mcm kurang selesa dan sedih , tgk semua org bergembira , tinggal aku sorg je yg tertinggal

Oh ya satu lagi , aku overthinking sngt of what people think of me. Apa yg orang pandang aku-- mcm aku dirasa dihina sbb tak masuk kumpulan , aku dianggap sebagai beban bagi diorang

aku ingat lagi , suatu malam pada bulan ramadhan , masa aku tgh sembuh drpd sakit tu, lepas aku dah kata situasi aku dekat akak aku tu, aku dah ada azam & ada niat untuk melawan balik X tu bagi dia tak nampak aku sebagai seorang yang lemah.

Aku dok fikir pasal strategi & pelbagai senario yg tak masuk akal utk melawan kata" X

sampai aku kerak kening lah dalam tidur aku , thinking that tomorrow I'll be going to school sbb mc dah habis

haha , tapi aku tak pi pon sbb ayah mak aku semua macam sakit

so, aku kembali ke sekolah Isnin minggu yang seterusnya.

aku memang tak sangka that day will change my life-- forever

that day , antara subjek pertama ialah kimia.

masa dekat lab , kadang" minda aku ni boleh jadi random gila.

sbb aku memang gak faham pasal apa yg ajar masa tu , so minda aku ha pi pikiaq pasal benda lain

aku teringat pasal az jadi ajk form 3 bila masa undian tu-- thinking that aku yang paling lowest vote

Yg tuuu cerita lain na

Ha drpd situlah org pandang aku mcm ish knp marrisa ni, hentuk meja

Sbb literally cikgu pun notice aku hentuk meja bila aku teringat memori tu

X pun tgk , since X dok depan aku di meja lab

so

beberapa jam kemudian,..

Tibalah di mana pertengkaran aku dan X mula

okay , perkara ni , sensitif sikit

secara kesuluruhannya , kita just bergaduh pasal tempat duduk ja

nothing much

sbb SEMPIT GILAAA BILIK TU!!!

aku yang asyik dok belakang ni naik bosan tau , so i wanted to dok in front as i was the first

and then... It all happened

now kat sini aku takmau cerita lebih" sbb aku takut aibkan mana" pihak

tapi , in the end , keesokan hari lepas peristiwa tu

cikgu addmath kami panggil la kami bincang , apa masalah kami sekarang

so thats where all the tea spilled

fast foward , lepas kami dah settle bincang in front of cikgu

lepas" keluar dari bilik cikgu tu aku terus minta maaf face to face dgn dia

Maklumlah , english aku tergagap sikit...

In the end

we all apologized to each other

and thats good cuz cikgu tak minta pun kita minta maaf

Kalau aku x minta maaf , haish apalah akan jadi

sbb aku pun rasa serba salah

and thats not the end

bila kami balik dari kelas kami tgk ada perubahan kedudukan meja

so i was like OMG whaaaat

Aku rasa terharu sbb diorang perkemaskan kedudukan yang lebih... Teratur , ha camtu

ada sorang kata " marrisa , hg dok sini tau "

dgn senyuman pertama aku , aku kata "ok!"

so , aku pun doklah

pagi tu , masa rehat , aku pi lah library

Trying to resolve and try to be neutral , for everything that has happened-- that we all damai in the end

aku selaku pengawas pss , aku try sembang and help with other pengawas

Aku

Memang tak sangka

selama ni ,

Aku ja yang bersangka buruk terhadap diri aku dan org lain

Sebernannya , aku..... Boleh ja communicate dgn org secara elok

aku memang tak ingat dialog kami

masa tu

lepas keluar pss

aku rasa

"oh."

Dgn hati yang penuh kelegaan

Sebab , on that day kami berdua bertengkar , aku rasa serba salah dan guilt js running all over my body that night

aku memang getar sikit lah sebab , selama ni aku tak pernah rasa geram dekat sesiapa

tapi , lepas resolution and kedamaian tu

Aku rasa.. lega

Takdak dah perasaan takut tu

tapi , after a while

I keep repeating the incidient all over again